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By Tanuj Kalia
Hi there! Most of us will marry. And tomorrow (March 8) is Women’s Day.
Our Constitution is big on equality.
Feminism means believing that all genders deserve equal treatment. We all are feminists. If you don’t consider yourself a feminist, tch tch tch.Â
Having said those random sentences, here are the things that won’t happen at my wedding.
1. Kanya daan.
Girls are not properties. It’s terrible that I have to mention this in the 21st century.
Kanya daan assumes that the girl was her father’s property who is now being ‘donated’ and sent in the care of her husband. Bull shit.
Where is the girl’s agency in this?
If you somehow do a super-twisted, liberal interpretation that kanya daan is symbolic of a sacrifice, of a gift, then let there be a ladka daan too.
2. The seven vows.
Have heard the seven vows closely now. Most of them are highly misogynistic and patriarchal.
I love the idea of the vows, of a ritual signaling a transition.
I plan to co-create these new seven vows with my partner in consultation with books, psychologists, parents, elders, and marriage counselors.
3. Vidaayi.
No one is going anywhere.
If vidaayi is a symbol of say a ‘moving’, ‘transition’ from singlehood to marriage, then the boy should be vidyai-ed too.
4. More than 150 people.
If you don’t know me or my partner closely and directly, you are not invited.
For me, marriages are not mass dinners, or paise barbaad karo abhyaan.
A marriage is a declaration that two people have reached an understanding’ where they can care for young human beings and help them in their understanding of life.
5. An elaborate dinner.
You have already tried all the desserts, the Chinese, the Italian, and the Indian food. I have nothing else to offer.
If you want great food, go to a restaurant.
Come to the wedding because you want to join in the celebrations not to satisfy your gluttony self.
Don’t invite 1000 people, have a hall full of dishes, and then buy an eco-friendly polythene bag.
5.A. Plastic cutlery.
6. No shagun (gift).
Give me gifts. Preferably in cash. We’ll open a small school from that money.
I’d prefer 10 school desks over a fancy dining table.
7. Sindoor/chooda.
These are visible signs that a girl is now ‘taken’ and not sexually available. No such visible marks for the guy. Why?
If the girl so desires, sure. Then I too will wear some sort of ‘mark’.
PS- if you are not for points 4, 5, 6, that’s fine. Not assuming a moral high ground here. If you are not for points 1, 2, and 3, that’s not fine. You may unfriend me.
PPS- nothing against the religion or customs. Customs were created to facilitate human living and need to evolve with time. If you blindly follow a custom, you are dishonoring the very purpose of a custom, and of course disrespecting your being a human being.
Comments are welcome.
Fun question. Who all are in the pic? Comment below!
What a shitty article.
Explain why?
I’m in absolute awe and love with this article. Anyone who tries manipulating with these significantly prevalent highly misogynistic rituals, is either living in denial or enjoys the ‘privilege’ !
People! Concede or you are nothing but an obscurantist!
I absolutely loved reading it! Especially the points highlighting ‘mass dinner’ and plastic cutlery that a lot of people tend to overlook! Need me more such articles to read. 🙂
except point one i agree on all points.The thing i do not understand is that why girls wants to be equal to boys ,i mean why they want to get to the down level when they are already above them.
STRAIGHT TRUTH which a “sanskaari” or rather, socially acceptable girl wouldn’t ever accept or
even think to turn to reality. Kudos!
Lagta hai author ne kabhi ye nahi experience kara ki marriage me ladka kitna sacrifice krta hai.?
You have also forgotten the Mangalsutra, the chain that depicts slavery, has to be done away with. A more equal exchange of rings would be fine. Or someother equal ritual.
Dr bhim rao ambedkar and his wife savita ambedkar
You forgot to mention Dowry.
Best article depositing high thinking some living standards.,..,,
In the pic there is a great Indian father of modern India, Bodhisattva, symbol of knowledge, chief architect is sacred Indian Constitution Dr. Baba Sahib Bhim Rao Ambedkar and his living wife and very respected Mata RamaBai g
Couldn’t have been said better. Reassuring and clean.
Babasaheb and ramabai ambedkar – in picture
Happy womens day!!
Don’t bother even if It goes against Religion. Throw away the Religion which doesn’t give you the Equality, Liberty and Dignity.
Wonderfully written and this post comes at an appropriate occasion of International Women’s Day where we need to introspect the subjugation of women and the patriarchal practices in marriages. I really hope more men can relate to this equal and feminist narratuve and take a pledge to follow the same when they get married.
The picture is of Dadasaheb Bhim Rao Ambedkar and his wife Ramabai.
Another fact, he was 14 and she was 19 when they got married.
Babasaheb got married again in the year 1948.